


30 days of Rey

by Limra



Series: 30 days of Force Feelings [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2018-12-08 23:58:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11657382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Limra/pseuds/Limra
Summary: Love always takes two to happen. We've already seen his side. Now, it's her turn!





	1. Day 1 - Conflict

Day 1 – Conflict

Rey had never been embarassed or concerned with her body. As a scavenger on Jakku, she couldn’t care less about looking good. Eating barely enough to survive, she had small breasts, a flat belly and her scalp bonés were very protuberante. She had some muscles in her arms and legs, but she knew she wasn’t a beauty. She used to look at other women and she could tell she wasn’t as _devellopped_ as them, but at that time she used to think about her missing part: the Family she knew she belonged to.

As a padawan, vanity wasn’t a choice either. She had to get used to tunics and some higiene habits she didn’t have before, but it was all brown, grey and white. It was only when Luke Skywalker decided they should work with the Resistance that Rey started to have some different opinions about her body. First, when she met with the Resistance girls she became their admirer. Their beautiful hair and perfect and healthy bodies earned stares from the boys that were very different from the way they usedd to look at her. She was parto f their brotherhood after all.

Of course she felt cared for Finn, Poe, Leia and Luke, but she knew it wasn’t the same thing. Rey started to imagine how it was to be _wanted_. To be _wanted_ by him. She wanted his eyes looking at her in that way. She couldn’t say why the Force made her feel attracted for someone who was supposed to be her ennemy. She wasn’t sure if it was the Force doing or herself wanting him. Everything was extremely confused with that bond.

The fact was that she started to care more about looking good after the first time they kissed in her dream. Everything became even more difficult to understand. In her dream, she was swimming. It was her dream and she could do things she wasn’t able to do for real. She stopped swimming and came back to the sand when she saw him smiling at her and... _Force_. He was stunning. He was shreded and his arms seemed so Strong while his dark eyes were so soft.

She didn’t utter a single word when he took a step forward getting closer to her and closing the gap between them. He put one hand on her back bringing her against his warm chest and the other hand touched her damp hair behind her neck.

“I like when you let your hair down. It’s so beautiful.” He  whispered.

Rey only wanted to kiss those pouty lips and that’s what she did. When his tongue delved inside her mouth, she woke up furious.

What was he thinking? He didn’t have any right to tell her how to wear her hair. Kylo Ren didn’t have any power over her body. Not even the slightest. Still, every single night she would dream on him and her hair was always down. And they were Always kissing.

But not when she was totally conscious. Her three buns only got tighter in her head.

 _Why your buns are so tight? It can give you headaches._ He asked through their connection while she was getting ready for the day.

 _I can’t believe you’re poking even when I’m starting my day!_ She rolled her eyes at his voice in her mind.

 _I can’t help._ He laughed softly. _It’s so long and soft and I can feel it while you’re touching it..._

 _Listen, Bem. It’s already very confusing to have you in my mind. I don’t want your compliments._ She answered acidly.

 _Oh. You don’t want me in your head? So, stop kissing me every time you dream!_ He snapped back.

_Can you stop spying on my dreams too? I can’t control my imagination...”_

_I’m not spying on you. I can’t control it either._ He overdrew from their conection and Rey was faced with a void in her mind. As if she was only half herself.

He didn’t look for her for a whole week. The first two days, she told herself she was alright with that. The third day, she let her hair down. The fourth, she wore a floral dress. The fifth, she put some lipstick. The sixth, she tried to reach for him, but all she got was a feeling of hurt from his side. The seventh, Rey was on her quarters, her hair a mess and very red and swollen eyes. She liked and hated him.

She was angry at herself. She never needed a man to live her own life.

 _Were you doing all those things to get my attention?_ His tone was very serious. He wasn’t mocking her.

 _Get out. I don’t want you in my mind right now._ Her voice sounded small and needy and she hated herself for that.

_I don’t think I should leave you now. We should talk._

_About what, Ben? About how stupid I am for dreaming on you and missing you? And trying to make you look at me?_ She asked sarcastically.

He cleared his throat before talking again. _You don’t have to do any of those things to make me look at you. I...find you very attractive already_.

 _I think it wasn’t only for you...I mean...I wanted to look different for once._ She confessed feeling better.

 _Those boys staring at you shared the opinion that you should wear more that...dress._ He whispered in na almost dangerous tone.

 _Were they looking at me?_ She asked excited for his tone.

He misunderstood her feeling. _Why are you happy about that?_ He snapped angry.

 _Because it feels nice to be seen for someone who doesn’t share a mystical connection with me._ She blurted out.

Rey could feel anger seeping through his side of the bond. _I saw you without any of those stupid things. You can call me a monster, but your eyes and your hair were enough  to make me daydream with you after our shared dream on that beach and I hate sand!_ He said through his teeth.

Rey smiled to herself feeling her nostrils fly as if she had butterflies in her stomac. _You sound very handsome when you’re jealous, Monster._

Then a very warm wave washed her mind before his answer. _I’m glad to know you like when I’m jealous. You don’t have to do anything to look more beautiful, Rey. Your soul is already wonderful and I’m happy I’ve been given the chance to see it._

_I like that compliment more that the hair thing._

_I know._

That night she dreamed on him again. She was training. Sweat all over her body, a saber in her hand when he came with his own weapon clashing against hers.

_You let your hair down for this kind of dream? It’s not practical at all._

_I know but i think I like it that way when I’m with you._

He smirked down at her lips. _The difficult way?_

She kissed him to seal their deal. _The contradictory way._


	2. Day 2 - With Leia

Day 2 – With Leia

 

Rey didn’t know who she was but she knew Han Solo loved her. She could read the signs. The way his eyes always looked for hers even when she was commanding the Resistance.

Rey didn’t know love, but she could bet that _they_ loved each other.

Leia Organa didn’t take long to become as cherished as Han Solo for Rey. She was amazing at politics. She endured her father’s mistakes and tried to make the galaxy a better place. She never stopped looking for hope. Leia was always there and it hadn’t been difficult to Rey to devote her life to her cause. The moment she stepped outside the Falcon without Han, Rey thought the General might pass out for the pain everyone could read in her eyes.

She didn’t cry. She didn’t utter a word. She provided for Rey and sent her to her lost brother.

Luke told her the truth about Kylo Ren and about their pain. Leia was wonderful in diplomacy, but she wasn’t a good mother. Han wasn’t a good father. And Luke wasn’t a good uncle. But Leia knew better. _Ben_ was a good boy. They had lost him. Maybe forever.

“A jedi shouldn’t be worried about his family. But Ben’s fall is making the whole galaxy suffer. For now, we are the only Force sensitives known in the galaxy. He’s so full of potential...it’s destroying me to see him taking a way I can’t follow...I wish I could know where he is...how he is...My sister is so strong, she never shows how desperate she is for hope. But I know how the guilt eats her. I can feel it.” Luke said one night during dinner.

Rey had the answer. She could talk to him. To _Kylo Ren_. But she was afraid of saying it. Afraid that they were going to use her and abandon her. And she was afraid of what her ennemy could tell them. They had some _secrets_ going on through their bond.

 _They miss you. You killed your father and they still miss you_. She told him one night.

 _Leia Organa hates me. She loved Han Solo more than politics. I killed him._ He answered, his voice apparently without emotion.

 _Do you want to come back?_ She asked hesitant.

 _No_.

 _Why are you so stupid and arrogant? I’m telling you they want you back! Believe me!_ She Always lost her nerve with him.

 _Believe you? You say you hate me every time you talk to me. How do you expect I’m going to come back? SHE HATES ME, REY._ He yelled in her mind. “ _I can’t live in a world where you and her hate me. You’re going to kill me.”_

Rey suddenly understood. He needed his mother’s word. He needed to know she still believed he could come back. So Rey went back to the Resistance to talk to the General. To Leia Organa and tell her that her son was fine and that he was sorry. And that she was right. _Ben_ didn’t deserve a second chance, but his family _loved_ him.

Rey was almost sick of all this _love_. Almost.

She wanted to be loved.

Leia was waiting for her with a practical smile. She invited Rey to sit and have some tea with her.

“So, the next great Jedi! Such an honor, Rey! Why did you need to see me?” She asked cheerful.

“Well, I don’t know how to get started...”

“I know. I know that there are somethings that can only be said between women. Is my brother trying to take advantage of you? You know...so long without...”

Rey blushed very embarassed. “Oh, No! Force...just...no! Luke is a very professional teacher.”

Leia smiled. “Great. I know that. I like to tease you. You’re cute when you’re embarassed.”

 _That_ was someone else’s line. She said the same line the _Monster_ used to tell her. Apparently they were very alike.

She blushed even more.

“I came to talk about _Ben.”_ The name was almost whispered.

Leia blinked twice before answering her. “ _Ben_. Did Luke tell you all the things?” She asked slowly.

“Yes”.

“Then. What do you want to talk about him?” She asked seriously.

“I know how he feels. I know where he is. I can touch him if I want to.” Tears came blurring Rey’s eyes. “He loves you Leia. He’s sorry for Han. He wants to come back.”

“What? You can fell him?” Can you explain it better?”

Rey shifted in her chair. “We have a Force Bond. He’s in my head and I’m in his. It’s a very powerful connection and we don’t know how it started.”

Leia’s eyes were wide. “You have a connection with Kylo Ren? Does he know we are here now?”

“No. Not Kylo Ren. I don’t call him _that_.” She called him _Monster_ but Leia didn’t have to know _that._

“Of course you don’t. You two have pet names. That’s for sure.”

This time Rey spat back. “You think you’re better than him? He’s just like you. He loves to speak and hates listening. He’s so full of his own opinions that he doesn’t give a damn to other people. He makes jokes all the time and enjoys to suffer alone. He’s...I already hate him so much! Please, don’t make me hate you!”

Silence reigned for one long minute before the General spoke again. “How does he look like now?

Rey opened her mouth twice before telling her. “He’s tall. He has a very dark hair, and dark eyes. He’s...strong and smart. He’s a very skilled knight. And...”

Leia was smiling. Tears in her eyes. “You love him.”

“I don’t know what love is.”

“Try to look at a mirror when you talk about him. You have the same eyes I had for Han.”

“He needs your help to come back.” Rey tried to change the topic.

“I’m going to help him. Don’t be worried.”

“Thanks.” Rey stood up wanting to leave the room when Leia spoke again.

“I’m sorry for my reaction. I’m not used to talk to someone that loves my child. I thought I would never do that again.”

“I hate him”. Rey repeated.

Leia smiled again. “I know.”


	3. Day 3 - Ben Solo

**Day 3 – Ben solo**

 

She worked hard to hate him. And that was pointless. She couldn’t hate him when he smiled or when he told a bad joke.

That said she tried pretty hard to forget him. And that was not just pointless but hurtful. Every time she came up with a reason to forget him or to break up with him, her chest compressed her heart, her head would pound and tears would blur her vision.

At the same time, she fought hard to have him by her side. It was so difficult to bring him back to his famil. Leia had actually helped her with the mission to rescue him. After all, kidnapping Kylo Ren hadn’t been that easy. But seeing him with another girl in his arms had broken all hopes the padawan had.

He said he had nothing with her, that nothing was going to happen, but Rey was angry. He told her Snoke used to bestow girls upon him when he was doing good on his training, but that he didn’t want anyone else after her. She didn’t accept those explanations and assumed all their shared dreams, visions and projections had meant nothing to him. And their stupid bond made all things worse.

Ben Solo had had a life before her. She wasn’t the first one in his life and she was afraid of noit being the last one. She hated being jealous. Master Luke always said that jealousy was a first step into the anger that fueled the Dark Side. But she couldn’t help her instincts.

When she brought Ben to his uncle on Ahch-To, they spent a whole year trying to figure out what they had as a relationship. Not all of her firsts belonged to him. She had kissed another guy before him just to test his feelings for her. But when Ben Solo’s lips touched hers, her first kiss became a very lost memory for her.

He was an amazing lover. He knew her mind. He knew how to touch, what to say and when stay quiet.  But Rey couldn’t disappoint her Master. She had to be a jedi. Sensing her conflict, Ben Solo gave her the biggest proof of love he could: he left. He told everyone he needed some time alone to understand his place in the world without her, without the Jedi Order. She knew better though. He left because _she_ couldn’t take ending up with him.

She endured bravely during six long months. Then, she left her training to go find him again. To tell him she didn’t care about being a jedi. She needed him. She wasn’t complete without her other half.

He came back and they defeated Snoke together.

And Leia Organa started to rebuild the galaxy and she needed her heroes. She called after the three force sensitives to come to Resistance’s base where she was dealing with missions and political decisions. At that moment Rey’s decision started to fall apart again. She was afraid of what people was going to say about her with him. Worse, she hated herself for being afraid.

They kept sneaking around.

“You know, I understand why you don’t want it to be public between us.” He told her afer making love in her quarters.

She kept her silence. He went on.

“I know you’re ashamed of being with me and I’m sorry for being a monster. I know you’ll get sick of that and all will be over soon.”

“Ben, I want to sleep. Can we sleep now?” she asked sounding very upset.

He kissed her before leaving her bed.

“You can sleep, Sweetheart. I have to come back to my quarters.”

She knew he was right. She was ashamed of him. How the greatest Gray Jedi would explain her love for Kylo Ren?

One week after that she broke up with him. He was right. She had to make a choice. She would chose her career. She couldn’t be no one again. She couldn’t be ostracized by his mistakes.

“Ben, I feel that… now that the war is over…we should try to be free of each other. It’s too much for me to understand. I really think we need a break.” Each rehearsed word made her heart break a little bit. “The Force, my family, your family, this war…it’s only three years since we met and I feel overwhelmed and…I think we should slow down.”

He had tears in his eyes but he nodded agreeing with her.

“You’re gonna be great, Rey. You really need to keep some distance to come up with everything you’ve already done. You’re right. You are something else now. You’re important to the galaxy. I love you, but your world is so much bigger than mine is. All my life I dreamed  on you. I looked for you. I’m glad my mission is done.”

“What? You dreamed on me your whole life?”

“Since I was five. First you were a baby and then you. You were my mission. The Force always told me that. It guided me to you.” He said softly as if it was the most natural thing to be said.

“I’m not sure about what my mission is in all this…” she started.

He kissed her passionately. “Go find out. Don’t worry. I’ll always be here.”

But he wasn’t there for her. He started to hang out with some friends from the blue squadron while she was training. And eating with them. And laughing. And _living_. Ben didn’t seem to remember she existed. Not even through their bond.

She hated him again. And even more when he was assigned with a mission and didn’t return when he was supposed to. She suffered with Leia for three long days until his ship came back on the radar.

She ran to the hangar to kiss him and let all people know that she loved Ben Solo. She was ready to tell him _he_ was her mission. That she dreamed on his voice since she was five. The she was more proud of his redemption than ashamed of her mistakes. She was ready to say to the galaxy that she had chosen Ben Solo.

When she arrived, he was fine and gorgeous as always and… hugging another woman. One of those with shiny hair. Lanna was her name.

Rey felt sick. This was different from he girl on the Finalizer, his _gift_. His mission with the Force was done and now he was free to choose anyone to love. Lanna was his freedom from their bond.

That same night, General Leia Organa threw a party to celebrate the return of her brave son. Rey kept her space and avoided everyone. She needed to breathe so she left the party to go to the gardens stopping by a fountain.

But Ben was already there.

“It’s good to have you back.” She told him avoiding his eyes.

He drank from his cup without taking his eyes from her. “Is that all you have to say? Mom told me you were  scared to the bone of having lost me.” He said wearing a very smug smile.

“Lanna seemed very worried about you too in that hangar.” She blurted out before she could stop herself.

“She’s a good girl. She’s smart, she knows what she wants and she _fights_ for what she wants.” He snapped out as angry as her.

“Oh! Great! She’s brave, she’s beautiful, she wears make up! When are you going to propose?” She started lashing out.

Ben took a step closer to her.

“Never,” He said his voice dropping an octave. “I’ll never propose to her. Because I love _you,_ sweetheart.”

Finally, Rey put her arms around his neck and relief took place of her feelings while the tears came in earnest. He was safe. He was back and he still loved her. All her insecurity melted always when she ran her fingers through his dark hair.

“I missed you all those three weeks since we broke up.” He told her looking deeply into her eyes and making her heart skip a beat.

“You didn’t try to talk to me not even once! The bond was totally closed, Ben.”

“I thought you had been pretty clear during our last conversation.” He said resting his front on hers.

She closed eyes briefly. “I don’t care about the galaxy. I _want_ you, Ben. I never wanted anything. Those three weeks without you after knowing how it is to love you…and that mission…I thought I had lost you. And not to Lanna.”

“Shhh. Stop talking. I’m here. You’re here. I want a kiss now.” He told her.

She couldn’t deny him. After all he was a great lover. His kiss was full of love, passion, care and devotion. Ben Solo loved her and that was all she needed. She was finally _home_.

They came back to the party with joined hands, minds, souls and hearts.

                                                                                                                                                                  


	4. Day 4 - Burden

Day 4 – Burden

Rey used to have a very heavy bag with her scraps while she lived on Jakku. Before having her own speeder, she used to walk with her bag in the desert with  sweat bathing her body and a very restrained ability of breathing. But her scraps were only a metaphore to burden she had to carry at that time. Being alone was heavier than working as a scavenger. The silence would surround her house and her sorrow made her young years an empty thing to be happy about.

Her burden was to wait. For someone. For something to change her life.

Then that BB unit happened in her miserable existence and she became the new hope to the galaxy. Her dreams changed. The voice didn’t whisper “I’ll come back, sweetheart. I promise” anymore. It said in a more pleading tone “ Come back to me, _please_.”

She went from no one to the next great jedi. A much heavier weight on her shoulders than being Rey from Jakku.  That until the day she met Kylo Ren and their bond was forged. Having her enemy within her should mean a big complication in her life, but it wasn’t. And that was a problem. His presence in her mind made all more _lighter_. She felt comforted.

He had a huge baggage to deal with too, but when they talked or argued, Rey couldn’t help but feel _home_. And it was upon her to give up on her career as a Resistance leader to be with him. People called her a traitor for loving him. Did that hurt? Yes. But she was used to being put aside. She decided to be with him. And he left the First Order for her. The most diffiuclt thing was dealing with his mother who wouldn’t quite believe she was still with their cause, even having her the General’s son and the heir of First Order in her head.

But she did all this with the certitude shw would do it again if it meant she would be carrying the heavy burden she had in her belly right now.

“You’re going to be a very chubby little thing, Hannah.” Rey said smilind down to her belly while folding and putting a ridiculous amount of baby clothes bought by Leia Organa in the small wardrobe. The nursery was breathtaking. Rey had never felt so happy with herself until the day she entered the nursery Ben and she had put together. Nothing too fancy. Just a crib, the wardrobe, a diaper changer and an armchair, everything in very colorful tones.

Hannah started to kick in her belly making their presence noticed.

“Ouch! You’re going to be a wonderful knight, darling. Daddy and Mommy will be very proud of you. But I don’t know if he’s going to like the way you’re kicking me.”

Large hands came from behind her resting on her belly where she was touching her baby. That just anticipated his lips on her neck.

“Does it hurt?”

Rey laughed at his concerned face. “ No”.

“You can rest a little while I take care of that.” He said kissing her cheek.

“No. I want to do that myself. I want to feel it. It makes everything more real.”

“Real that you’re going to be a mother? It’s a big thing, you know? Great responsibilities and all. I’m freaking out already.” He told her blushing a little bit.

“Yes. It’s real. She’s here. It means I’m finally free. I can let Jakku go, I can let your past go, I can let my sorrow go away. I want all the responsibility because it means I finally have what I’ve always wanted.” She felt her throat getting dry and her eyes watering, so she stopped to breath. The hormones were killing her.

Ben had a very sweet smile on his face. Her smile. “What have you always wanted?”

“A family to wait for me at the end of the day. I found you and now we’re complete.” She said letting the tears fall down.

Ben nodded smiling. “We’re not complete though. I would like to have at least another baby.”

“What? No. Only if you accept to carry the next ones. Your daughter is smashing my bones!”

Ben kissed her passionately. When they broke the kiss she told him the truth. “I’m kidding. I’ll have all your babies, Ben Solo. Again and again.”

“I know. And I’ll always be here to carry you.” Ben scooped her in his arms despite her will.

“Put me down! I’m pregnant, not a burden so you have to bridal carry me anywhere!”

“No. You’re not my burden. You’re my partner”.

Partners. It was good to know she had someone to share her bag of scraps from now on.

 


End file.
